Nailed It.

Just got the report.  I should be a radiologist when I grow up 😀

Back To Metrics And Waiting

I had a scan last week and have a copy of the scan itself.  But so far, no official report.  I have a vague sense of how to read things at this point, but far from an expert. 

It looks like there is a lot more cavitation (black dots on the image to the left) going on, which seems to indicate the #chemotherapy is working.  There are, however, other tumors that do not seem to be responding, a couple that may have grown and maybe a couple I have not noticed before.  However, with the number of tumors in my lungs,  it is difficult to keep track.  When the reports get down to less than "innumerable" (hopefully), I may start counting again  My back is feeling okay, my breathing is generally okay, but I have learned from the last few scans that is not always predictive to what I will see on the report.

So back to #triathlontraining metrics.  In addition to the general concept of trying to improve and gathering information, I look at them to see how I am feeling.  Often times when I look at the numbers when I am feeling down or thinking I am slipping, the numbers provide a bit of solace.  (Though fast is always a nice objective, I got a ways to go for that 😉)

A year ago today I did a time trial on a track.  1/2 mile warm-up, 3 miles as fast as I could, 1/2 mile cool down.  Yesterday I ran on the same track for a general run where the timing was to be a relaxed sustainable pace.  I may have pushed it a bit at some points, but far from trying to go fast (for me).  The numbers are below.  Pretty consistent.  This year 66 degrees, 7 MPH wind.  Last year 39 degrees, 15 MPH wind.  So last year may have been tougher. (I know the numbers below are slow in both cases.  Never said I was fast 😃)  Also not saying which one is which.

On the other hand, last year the cancer had not really broken loose in the lungs to the extent that is has now.  They were able to count some things as probable small mets as compared to giving up trying to list them.  And I did not have two tumors in my spine.  And I had not started chemotherapy again.  And the run I did yesterday was 3 days after I got disconnected from my most recent #chemotherapy treatment.  So I am going to call it a draw between last year and this year on the conditions for the 2 runs - cancer was better last year, weather better this year.

Today is an off day for training. Really would like to run, but need to make sure to have recovery days.  Ran the last three days in a row.  Now back to waiting for the scan reports. 

#iTRI4aCure

And Big Scanxiety Day Here

Today is a big day.  Get disconnected from my chemotherapy then shortly later go for my scan to see if the chemo is working.

At this point I am not sure what to expect.  The few times I felt positive going into scans, such as the 2-1/2 year scan, which would have meant I was probably going to be cancer free, my first immunotherapy scan, my first scan after this new chemotherapy and a scan a few weeks ago have all let-downs.  My cancer was back, the immunotherapy was not working, the chemo was kind of working and the tumors in  my spine were growing.

Avistan was added for the last 5 treatments or so there is more time to see if it is working and the spine issues could be inflammation.  I am not sure how much I am buying into either of these at this time.  Usually I should be showing better results this far into this new treatment.  But I have been a bit of an outlier with some things along the way in terms of mets and mutations.  Plus still being able to train for triathlons.  

My back pain is minor, at most, and my breathing is still well enough to exercise - in fact my breathing is fine for the most part and seems more like allergy season and some more issues on chemo week where shortness of breath can be from the drugs as much as the cancer.  I will not go in with high hopes despite all this.  It is a lot tougher thinking there is good news coming and getting bad news as opposed to expecting bad news and getting some good things.  Cautious optimistic hope is that at least things all stopped growing this time.

But perhaps the cavitation from the last scan was a good sign.   I will see.

Wandering Into The Weeds Day

The last 7 days of running.  With missing piece of lung and dozens
of tumors everywhere in what remains.  

Once in awhile I have a tendency to "wander into the weeds" when looking at things on the internet.  You know how it goes.  You click on some information on your favorite band.  Three clicks later you find yourself researching the league leader in stolen bases in the 1948 baseball season.  (Richie Ashburn - 32)  Okay maybe more than once in awhile.

I have mentioned this before, but I go into the weeds when looking at cancer treatments.  Today was one such a day.  I saw a post on a board by someone who has a tendency to discuss treatments that are dismissed pretty quickly by a quick search on the internet.  It is hard to ignore though since they couch it in terms of science and make it sound perfectly reasonable, plus pass my pay grade on knowledge.  And they have had success with pursuing these things.  But the plural of anecdote is not data.  Sigh.  

So I am back at looking at treatments that are less than scientifically based.  Back to the arguments how big pharma is stopping effective treatments since there is no money to be made.  Back to thinking I am missing a cure for my incurable cancer.  Back to reading some things about how some alternatives are not good, even though there are other studies showing some effectiveness. Back to articles totally dismissing "integrative medicine."  

 I have been happy with how acupuncture helps me.  I am happy with how eating ginger helps when I am nauseous.  A good friend of mine gave me peppermint extract to smell to help with nausea. It works for me.  I am happy that my doctors at Memorial Sloan Kettering recommend integrative medicine, to the extent that it is scientifically supported, as part of the treatment.  They are really clear about where certain things stand on the effectiveness scale and what to expect.  That acupuncture can help with chemotherapy adverse effects and pain.  That some vitamins and supplements help - or may help - so that there are no downside to trying some things along the way.  

But I am unhappy that there are so many things out there being promoted as cures and treatments where I am pretty sure it is BS, but feel like I am contributing to my demise by not using them.  

The one thing I do know that there are enough studies regarding exercise and general physical well being (such as the benefits of yoga) that my anecdotal experience of still being here and being in good health, all things considered, and not being tied to an oxygen tank on the couch, is enough data for me to keep on going with my training.  Aiming for a #triathlon relay.  And doing the running part.  So 21 miles in the book the last week.

@iTRI4aCure

Battling Reality ;)

One of the things I say that helps when dealing with #cancer, #chemotherapy and the rest is having a healthy slight divergence with reality. .


For instance I took a short 14 hour nap prior to running 🏃 4.5 miles the other day on the treadmill for #triathlontraining followed by a brief 4 hour off and on 😴(Hey I was just disconnected from #chemotherapy the day before😂) . But my preferred reality is that I ran 4.5 miles at a decent clip for me the other day.

Another reality is that the #chemotherapy working is questionable at this point based on scans and that the is a ton of #cancer in my lungs with a good sprinkling in my lymph nodes and a couple in my spine for good measure. .

My version of reality is signing up for next years @multirace Las Olas Sprint #triathlon again. My only concession to reality will be doing it as a relay again if needed 😀

Urgh, Thought I was going to get a good report

My back was feeling better.  I figured that the radiation and the chemotherapy was working and the spinal tumor was shrinking.  Looking at this, I am guessing it means that maybe the tumor in my psoas muscle is shrinking and the pressure in that area is reduced.  But this kind of sucks.  At least it is not epidural.  That would REALLY suck.  Shifting baseline once again.  More cancer is not bad when you find out it is not the kind that is basically terminal real quickly.  As compared to pretty much terminal, but not as quick.  On to the #triathlon this weekend.  

The Strangeness Of Cancer

Cancer is very weird.  It messes with your head.  And one of the things that it messes with is the feeling of guilt.  I may have wrote a bit about this before, but sometimes I feel guilty (for lack of a better word) about how I am dealing with this all.

I had a bit tougher time this cycle with the #chemotherapy, but it is starting to pass. 

 I know I was a bit "out of it" for a couple of days.  I know it is frustrating as I am going through those moments.  I know there are times I feel like crying and just want to sleep to make the feeling stop.  It is not that I am sad, that I think I am dying, that I think about how bad the treatment is.  No, it is some kind of "chemo brain" alteration that I can maybe push through.  Just easier to sleep an hour or so and I wake up fine.

I know that I am mildly nauseous and need to pop some pills a couple of times during the initial fews days.  And I know I am tired, sometimes sleeping 16 hours almost non-stop if I do not feel too much like "fighting" the tired days.

I missed two days of training this week, though I did manage an hour on the treadmill while on the chemo pump.  The day after I was hooked up.  Yesterday was a bad day - I did not feel great.  I was trying to do a 40 minute run.  I could not do it, I made about .9 miles in 10 minutes.  I tried walking a bit.  Then tried running again.  Too cold I guess and my lungs were not working.  Finally went on treadmill.  Got my 40 minutes in. Really slow.

And today, after a 15 hour nap, got a 5K in on the treadmill.  I am going out to dinner with my family shortly.  Sure I feel tired, but I can do it.

Yet I see people in the same situation who cannot do these things.  And I feel guilty that I am physically able to still do this.  Or are focusing too much on the down side. I saw a post on a cancer board today with someone who was doing that and is generally in the same situation - chemo for life.   Perhaps I am naive.  I know, as of now, that I will be on chemo for the rest of my life.  I know, as of now, that the chemo is not working 100% yet with some tumors growing (though there are positive signs, hoping for a good scan down the road).  And that even if the chemo works, eventually it stops working.  If I thought of all that, all the time, it would make this all almost impossible to deal with.  

I do think of those things once in awhile.  And in the middle of the worst part of the chemo treatment of the first few days, including this weird twilight where you feel like you are awake and asleep at the same time (this new stuff gives me serious chemo brain the first few days :) )  it can bring you down.

But I sit here a couple of hours now as I feel the last vestiges of the more negative aspects of the last treatment slip away and smiling as I finally have a bit of an appetite for the first time in awhile and looking forward for dinner.

I am starting to feel like I am going to start sounding like a cliche, but trying to keep a good attitude and breaking the negative thoughts really helps.  Plus some exercise of course :)